My Tribute to Lailah Nichelle King (03/03/2011-12/08/2011)

On December 13, 2011, my family and I said goodbye to my beautiful 9 month old niece, Lailah.  Here is the speech I delivered at her funeral as tribute:

Good Morning everyone!

Though we are gathered today to mourn the loss of 9^th month old Lailah, we must not forget that this is also a time to celebrate the life of a bright, joyful and happy baby girl.

I remember the first time I found out that my sister, Elise was with child.  To say that I was surprised is the understatement of a century.  After I got over my initial shock, I came to terms with another truth: I was going to be an uncle.  My friends and classmates at Cornell could attest to my joy.  Indeed the first thing I did was customize a bib with the words “Lailah Loves Uncle Kyler” online and ship it to Elise.  I also ordered the bib to be worn at all times.  Needless to say, I was proud to be an uncle.  The first time I met Lailah was in early June, when she was but 3 months.  From the time she looked up at me with those beautiful eyes, I was in love.  This was my niece and I was going to spoil her rotten.  I remember calling mom with nothing of value to say, just to hear Lailah laughing, playing and weirdly grunting in the background.  In sum, she was my princess.

Lailah was truly the family’s baby.  She was fond of all of us, but at the end of the day, we all knew that Lailah was attached to her momma, and her momma to her.  The bond between mother and child was epitomized by the relationship between Elise and Lailah.

I can’t think of anyone who has accomplished as much as Lailah did in her short 9^th months with us.  She united the family and provided an endless amount of joy, love and positivity.  Though we all regret that she is no longer with us in the physical plane, just understand that Lailah knew nothing but love.  She was love!  She will not have to grow up in this cold, corrupt world.  She will not have to experience heartbreak.  Not to mention the family doesn’t have to worry about the parade of young men who were bound to chase after her once she hit adolescence.  After all, she was a beauty.

To Elise, hang in there baby.  I cannot possibly imagine your loss and I don’t pretend to understand what you are going through.  However, what I can do as you older brother is promise you that I will always be here to support you in any way that I can.  I love you.  And I know that I can be overly critical, harsh and overbearing.  I know that at times I tend to act more like a father than a big brother.  But just know that I love you so very much.  And I want nothing negative between us.

In summary, life is truly precious.  Lailah has helped to reinforce this notion.  Love constantly, laugh always and dwell in positive places.  Seize the day and put no trust in tomorrow. Never part with a loved one with anger or animosity.  It could be the last time you see them alive.  Finally, remember the good.  Whether it was Lailah’s endearing gap, her odd positioning of her sparse hair (aka Mohawk), the completely random and weird coughing/grunt noise she made, her tendency to slap you, her affinity to electronic devices including cell phones and computers or any/all of the above, Lailah’s has and will continue to bring an unprecedented amount of joy to our hearts and lives.  And though we are here to say goodbye, I would like to leave you with a piece of wisdom from a highly unlikely source.  Shortly after Lailah’s death on Thursday, I talked to my 7 year old brother Evan, explaining the notion of death and how we are going to have to say goodbye to the baby.  At that moment, Evan looked up at me and said: “Goodbye isn’t forever.  Right bro?”  Truer words were never spoken.  Good bye Lailah!  You will live on in all of us. 

~KJSW

Iraqi War Can Teach Us... If We Let It

When President Obama promised that he would withdraw all American troops from Iraq by the close of the year, I must admit that I was highly skeptical.  After all, the opposition our President has faced from the opposing political party makes any Executive proclamations difficult to bring into fruition.  So, needless to say, when December 15^th rolled around and the Iraqi War was officially ended and when the last of our troops passed from the Iraqi border traveling back home (or to Kuwait for the nearly 4,000 American troops who are only partially done with the deployment term) I was pleasantly surprised and, quite frankly, overjoyed. My feelings of joy quickly dissipated, however, after I realized that the end of the war was, well, anti-climatic and overshadowed by many more pressing issues.  Our country is currently dealing with a severely weak economy, a shockingly high unemployment rate, an unprecedented amount of political partisanship and polarization in Washington and a growing ‘threat’ in Iran (not to mention the recent death of Kim Jong Il and its implications).  The problem with an overshadowing of the end of the War in Iraq translates to a lack of proper reflection on the war and an assessment of the lessons learned.  In sum, I would argue that we are suffering from a ‘so what?’ attitude toward the end of the Iraqi War. 

For evidence of this ‘so what?’ mentality, one needs not look any further than television media.  Coverage of the Iraqi War ending is virtually nonexistent.  Instead, the media is focusing on the GOP primary and the struggling U.S. economy (understandable since both of these events help determine the future of our country).  What isn’t quite so understandable is the recent intense focus that has been placed on Iran and the promises of various GOP Presidential candidates to invade or strike Iran if they deem it necessary.

The question is, “Is war with Iran necessary?”  Well it seems that the answer is no.  Though it has been acknowledged that Iran has nuclear capabilities, there is no evidence that they are close to securing a nuclear weapon (to clarify, reports indicate that Iran is anywhere from 1 year to several decades from securing a weapon… also note that the 1 year estimates are toted and advertised mainly by Fox News and members of the Republican Party).  If we should learn anything from Operation Iraqi Freedom, we should learn that rushing to war is a big mistake, especially since our economy is so broken. Hopefully we will take some time to divert our psychic energies from our struggling economy and high unemployment and to the important lessons learned from Iraq.

Finally, I would like to address the critiques from the GOP regarding the withdrawal of troops.  The idea that the war should be ongoing or that there should be a continued military presence in Iraq is laughable.  Are these critics even qualified to make these comments?  President Obama is being advised by the top military minds in the country.  Surely our President wouldn’t push for a withdrawal unless he had reason to believe that it would make good sense militarily.  On the opposing end, we have Sen. John McCain and others saying that pulling troops out at this time is a huge mistake and puts our National Security at risk.  What credentials does McCain have?  Yes he is a war veteran, but he was never a general nor did he have any significant role in planning large scale military campaigns. 

In conclusion, we must get over this ‘so what?’ attitude regarding the war in Iraq.  According to the Iraq Body Count, over 100,000 Iraqi civilians were killed as well as thousands of U.S. troops.  Further, information from the UN suggests that 16% or roughly 4.7 million Iraqis are now refugees and approximately 35% of Iraqi children are orphaned.  Finally, consider the enormous amount of money we have spent on the war (according to a Brown University Report, $3.2-4 trillion spent on wars in Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan).  When considering these numbers, hopefully we move from the question of ‘so what?’ and instead begin understanding the horrible costs of war and the importance of diplomacy in addressing international crises.  The Iraqi War can teach us to plan an exit and post-invasion strategy fully before engaging our enemies, and, most importantly to exhaust all diplomatic resources before planning military action.

~KJSW

Long Live the Queens? How Effeminate Gays are Hindering Progression

                Let us begin with a basic task: imagine a gay man.  Think of what they look like, what they’re wearing, their interests, everything.  Odds are, you imagined a young, white male, well dressed and groomed who has a deep rooted passion for fashion and all things Broadway.  If by chance you imagined something different, kudos to you.  You are one of the few.  Be proud.’

                So why did I have you imagine a gay man?  Fear not.  I am not conducting a social psychology experiment on stereotypes.  Instead, the argument that I hope to make in this blog post is that the stereotypical gay is extremely damaging to the gay community as a whole.  Of course, the notion that stereotypes can harm the stereotyped is axiomatic.  Indeed, consistent findings from both sociological and psychological research articles as well as conventional wisdom have obviated the need to discuss whether stereotypes can have negative impacts.  What makes this blog post different (i.e. what new insights does this blog post bring)?  I argue that the unique circumstance surrounding stereotyping of gays is that gay men often embrace the stereotypes (or at least, do nothing to challenge them).  Further, by embracing these stereotypes, gay men are alienating their own, forcing gays who do not conform to these stereotypes to feel that they are not ‘gay enough.’  The consequence? A divided gay community.  The implication? Difficulty in mobilizing to bring about social justice.  The future? Busted.  In order to support my argument, it is necessary to first consider the ubiquitous embrace of gay stereotypes by gay men themselves.  Next, explore how the adoption of these stereotypes by gay men alienate those who do not fit in with the ‘gay image.’ And finally, see how the division of the gay community hinders progression of any gay movement. 

                I have a friend, let’s call him John Doe.  Now John Doe self-identifies as gay, and gay he is.  Mr. Doe is well versed in the ‘finer things in life.’  He knows all there is to know about fine dining, wine and Broadway Showtunes, is extremely trendy and fashionable and is boyish and feminine in look and mannerisms.  In short, John Doe is the stereotypical gay man, aka Queen (the term ‘queen’ is a slang term used both negatively as an insult and positively as an identity).  The fact that my friend is a living, breathing gay stereotype isn’t in itself a problem.  Stereotypes, after all, are often rooted in some type of truth.  However, the problem is that the gay men who are the most visible, the ones who are given the most media coverage and the ones who are seen as being the poster children of the Gay Rights Movement are the ones who live up to society’s stereotype of what it means to be gay.  Further, the problem is that a lot of gay individuals embrace these stereotypes and tend to define themselves by said stereotypes, using them as a gauge to identify just how gay they are.  I will elaborate more on this ‘gay-uge’ when I discuss alienation of some gay men. In the meantime, to drive my point on the pervasiveness and power of the queen home, I will turn to the Logo.

                The other night, I was browsing the channels and landed on Logo, the LGBTQ television station.  After only 1 hour and 30 minutes of programming, it became quite clear what audience this station catered to.  No.  Not the LGBTQ community.  Rather, a subset of the community.  Namely effeminate gay men (queens).  Rupaul’s Drag Race, A-List New York, Drag U, 1 Girl 5 Gays, all of these shows have one thing in common; they feature the most flamboyant, superficial and stereotypical gays imaginable.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy these shows.  However, I find it ridiculous that these programs perpetuate gay stereotypes, elevate the ‘gay queen’ and ignore the wide amount of diversity in the gay community.  The fact that this network, which is geared specifically to the LGBTQ community, is entirely one-dimensional with regards to its depiction of gay men, provides some evidence for my claim that the gay community is defined by the queen.  It would seem that in order to be gay, you must possess the characteristics displayed by the queens.  Is this just the way things are?  Is there no reason to be concerned?

                Actually, there is a reason for concern.  The concern stems from the wedge that is forming between the powerful and visible queen, and the gay men who do not fit in with culture’s (both mainstream and the gay subculture’s) mold of gayness. This metaphorical wedge is contributing to a divide in the community (a divide that has existed for some time now).  As was previously mentioned, the stereotypical gay man is young, white, effeminate and ‘cultured.’  Additionally, they often speak with a lisp and have overly feminine mannerisms.  Essentially, gay men are equated with heterosexual women in terms of behavior (interesting seeing gender expression need not determine sexual orientation and vice versa).  If this is what it means to be gay, what about the gay men who don’t uphold these stereotypes?  What about the hairy men who know nothing about Patti Lupone or what meal to pair Cabernet Sauvignon with?  What about the racial and ethnic minorities who identify first and foremost with their racial and ethnic identity?  What about the older gay men who find themselves fading out of existence as they age in a subculture that values youth and beauty?  Alienation.  They begin feeling that they do not belong.  In fact, they are constantly evaluating their gayness, comparing themselves to the queens (i.e. using the gay-uge), and perpetuating the existing feelings of alienation.  At its lowest level, feelings of alienation manifest as not attending Pride events or disengaging from LFBTQ activism.  At its most extreme level, alienation manifests as a total rebuking and social distancing from the gay community (i.e. men on the Down Low; racial and ethnic minority men who think of gayness as a White phenomenon).  Whether it be low level or extreme, any type of alienation has a negative impact on the gay community.  Not only would it be tragic to ignore the rich cultural and personal diversity that exists within the gay community via alientation, but alienation would also be detrimental to bringing about social change.

                With an understanding of how gay men embrace and embody gay stereotypes and how said embrace/embodiment alienates some members of the gay community, it is now imperative to see how these two factors hinder progression of our community as a whole.  There are several theories regarding social movements (i.e. deprivation theory, culture theory).  Though each theory offers a unique take on the creation and sustainability of social movements, all theories call for two basic ideas: consensus and convergence.   Consensus refers to the idea that everyone is on the same page regarding their deprivation and the steps they will take to rid said deprivation (think of injustice frames as used in culture theory).  Convergence is the step beyond agreeing on what to do.  Indeed, convergence is actually coming together and working toward a common goal.  When it comes to consensus, the gay community has that criteria for social movements in the bag.  Social equality is the goal.  When it comes to convergence, however, the community could use some work.  Though I do not believe that queens are intentionally weakening the movement, I do believe that the embodiment of gay stereotypes by a highly visible subgroup of the gay community leads to alienation, which in term leads to difficulty in mobilizing the entire gay community.  Don’t get me wrong.  I acknowledge that mobilization for LGBTQ issues has been great in recent years and that the community as a whole is making several gains.  But think of just how much stronger the movement could be if we didn’t isolate our own.  Think of how beneficial it would be to society at large if we began challenging the gay stereotypes and displaying the diversity of the community.   In sum, think of how much better things would be if we dethroned the queens.

                In conclusion, effeminate, gay men (queens) are hindering the progression of the gay rights movement by contributing to the alienation of  gay men who don’t fit the ‘gay image.’  I do not mean for this post to be an attack on my effeminate, gay brothers.  Indeed, I honor and respect the diversity of the gay community.  That being said, I refuse to be defined by stereotypes upheld by a few.

~KJSW

               

               

How My (Brief) Tenure with City Year Changed My Life

"We are City Year. We are a diverse corps of young idealists

who dedicate a year to changing the world.

Every day, we put on the Red Jacket and make a difference

for children, schools, and their communities..."

City Year Brand Manifesto

            I remember the first time I laid eyes on the City Year brand manifesto. Upon completing my reading of the manifesto, I remember feelings of competence, positivity and strength running through me, promising me a tough, albeit bearable journey as I attempt to change the lives of inner city youth.   I remember thinking that nothing could possibly stop me from completing my year or service except for myself.  I was ready to give a year and change the world.

            Why did I join City Year?  To tell you the truth, it was somewhat unintended.  As the date of my graduation from Cornell University loomed closer, I was faced with a harsh reality: I have nothing to do!  Though I knew that I wanted to take a gap year between my undergraduate years and grad school, the details were not fully ironed out.  Don’t get me wrong, I placed a great deal of thought and action into my gap year plans.  However, after being denied a 1year research fellowship because of lack of funding and a rejection from Teach for America (I’d like to think because I was so awesome!) I humbly retreated to my dorm room and licked my wounds (ate a pint of Cherry Garcia ice-cream while simultaneously downing a bottle of Barefoot Merlot….memories).  Then, the clouds parted and I was notified of City Year.  I was drawn by their mission of decreasing the high school dropout rate and the opportunity to put my idealism to work. 

            August 1^st 2011 marks the first time I sat in one place with 144 fellow City Year Chicago corps members who shared the same vision and passion as I did.  From then until November 30^th, I was served with City Year, meeting new people, working with vulnerable students, and proudly associating with something bigger than myself.  I served faithfully, but then made a decision that cut my term of service short.  I have no regrets though.  After all, City Year changed my life by teaching me valuable lessons about myself and the world around me.

1)      Education is the most pressing social issue of our time – granted, City Year didn’t teach me this lesson per se, but it reinforced it.  The fact that there are so many children who are denied a quality education is something that we as citizens should not accept.

2)      All it takes is a few passionate individuals to make a difference – I learned this quickly.  The task of single-handedly fixing a broken education system is an impossible one. Changing one student for the better is not.

3)      Teamwork is key – I like to work alone.  I sometimes feel that too many cooks in the kitchen spoils the meal (or however that saying goes).  Conversely, not having enough cooks in the kitchen can be equally disastrous.  Cooking and chef analogies aside, I learned that being a team player is important for nearly all tasks.

4)      You must be self-sacrificing – City Year required me to sacrifice a great deal (time with family, leisure activities, etc).  For change to occur, you must put yourself second to the goal.

5)      It’s a big, big world – And I should add, a very diverse one.  Though I treasure my Cornell experience and my semi-sheltered upbringing, I also treasure the chance I had to leave my personal bubble and see how the other side lives.  I have seen turf wars, heard gunshots, listened to my 14-15 year old students’ tales of survival in a violent and dangerous neighborhood.  In sum, I now know.  And knowledge is power.

6)      Real bad decisions have real bad consequences – this final lesson has shaped my life the most.  Despite my passion and my resolve to work with my students and my team, all it took was one bad decision to force me from the organization.  The lesson here, rules exist for a reason.  You don’t have to agree with them, but you have to follow them. 

Again, City Year changed my life.  I may not be finishing up my year, but that’s alright.  After all, I have my entire life to serve.  I have taken what I needed from the organization and the various lessons learned will make me a better person in the long run. I encourage you, my fellow civically-minded Millennials to serve your community in any way that you can.  Be it City Year, Americorps or just volunteering in you neighborhood, know that you can make a difference.

~KJSW

Interested in joining City Year?  Click here!!!  http://cityyear.org/joincorps.aspx